Knkstriped

Other Women

I’m bisexual, but women make me anxious

I’m sexually attracted to women as well as men. Not every woman of course – I’d never get anything done if I had that much distraction – but there have always been women who make my pulse skip and my mouth water, women who I fantasise about (usually being very, very cruel to me), women at whom I could gaze in wistful admiration for hours if that weren’t a creepy thing to do.

Gay lady sex is something I haven’t done for many, many years, having been in a series of monogamous long-term relationships with men for the intervening time. Circumstance, then, has diverted me. But other reasons too. Reasons like; being inept at distinguishing hero-worship from emotional attraction, like being ten million times more afraid of rejection, or derision from another woman than I would be from a man. Like maybe having had little experience of being with women beyond the reckless, intoxicated, slutfest of my hedonistic youth, and feeling awkward about my inexpertise. Like only ever having had vanilla sex with women, when vanilla sex is something I have a very difficult relationship with anyway. Things that make me overlook or overestimate the signs of attraction, become tongue-tied or flustered when they are brought to my attention, things that make me incompetent and unconfident.

Also, other women are scary. They can be so mean. And even when they’re being nice, they make me feel inadequate. All my life I’ve felt like I measure up poorly compared to the women around me – my female relatives are glamorous, unfeasibly good-looking, vivacious, socially at-ease. My female school friends were mostly prettier and smarter than me…or at least; better adjusted and with a firmer grip on reality. Everywhere I look, I see women who work out and keep themselves in shape, eat salads, cope with work, keep their houses tidy, organise themselves (and often their menfolk too); and some small part of me is not sure whether I want to emulate them, drag them down to my level or hide from them to avoid potential comparisons.

I’m unlikely to have the chance to explore this side of my sexuality, being in a monogamous het relationship, and regretfully acknowledging that I lack the emotional maturity, let alone organisational skills, for any form of non-monogamy. The Fella and I haven’t ruled out the possibility that some time in the future we might think about a MFF threesome, but we’re not at the point of being ready for that right now. I’m half-wistful, half-relieved because even though there are many women who I consider to be as hot as hell (a very small subset of whom may even find me similarly to their taste), I’m also secretly terrified of you all.


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8 thoughts on “Other Women

  1. “… other women are scary. They can be so mean. And even when they’re being nice, they make me feel inadequate.”

    I am right there with you on this, and on feeling rejection by a woman will be so much worse that by a man. There’s so much in this post that I could’ve written…

    Rebel xox

    PS: I linked this to Wicked Wednesday 😉

  2. I can relate to a lot of this. I feel fairly confident when it comes to firting etc with men but women less so and so I shy away from it…however recently I have found that maybe i might have a domme side i was unaware. If the world ever stops being mad maybe I can explore that more.

    Thanks for writing this though as it has made me think about my own thoughts on this subject

    Molly

  3. I feel this. I’m definitely intimidated by women so my experience with them is minimal. It’s hard wanting to explore but not feel comfortable doing so. *sigh*.

    Thanks for sharing

  4. Oh same! I have no idea how to flirt with women and I’m oblivious when they flirt with me. Are we all just ridiculous!

    When the world stops being crazy it’s something I want to be braver about.

    1. Aren’t we just?! For myself I think growing up in a totally het-normative environment, I simply don’t have a frame of reference for how to relate to women I fancy, and no ‘script’ for having a go!

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