Thoughts on my Smut Marathon experience so far, as the rankings phase closes and the knockout phase begins…
Growth
It’s not all filth and fantasy round here – there’s room for gratitude and self-reflection too.
Thoughts on pain
Unwanted pain vs pleasure pain, what’s the difference to me?
Incel
The phrase “involuntarily celibate” has great resonance for me. For a while in my life, I was celibate, and not by choice
“Incel stands for ‘involuntarily celibate’ which basically means “someone who isn’t getting laid because other people are denying them’ with the implication that those people shouldn’t be allowed to refuse. The idea that there should be equal distribution of sexual activity between all people seems very ‘Brave New World’ to me; and not in a good way but setting the entitlement issues aside; the phrase “involuntarily celibate” has great resonance for me. For a while in my life, I was celibate, and not by choice. I was in a long-term relationship with a man I loved very much. He was kind, intelligent, funny, handsome, independent, quirky and a completely fucking awesome cook. He adored me and showed it in many many ways. Except the one I wanted most.
Feminism
What does feminism mean? What does it mean to be a feminist?
Vanilla
Vanilla sex. Parts A, B and C go in slots X, Y or Z; the mechanics of this are a doddle. I’ve done a lot of it in my time. I can put on a virtuoso performance, in my eyes…
Periodpocalypse
Once a month, my uterus explodes in a tsunami of blood and agony, leaving me screaming, anaemic, hovering on the edge of codeine addiction and utterly worn out. Oh hai endometriosis! (Note to self, time to run the gamut of…
2018 – things that made it good
When I hear others saying how awful 2018 was for them, I feel kinda guilty. Irrational I know, because I didn’t personally cause the bad things that happened this year (geopolitics, natural disasters, the collapse of Western civilisation into a teeming pit of poisonous vipers, economic disasters, etc) and I’ve tried to minimise my contribution to the burning bag of dog poo left on the doorstep of 2019 as much as I can (ethical shopping, ethical porn, availability of shoulder to cry on). It makes me awkward somehow, to say out loud “actually, 2018 was pretty great for me” when so many other people are suffering. But I’m going to anyway, not because I feel I have any great ‘improve your life’ insights to offer or that I feel I am in any way more deserving of success and happiness than anyone else. Why then? BECAUSE I CAN.
Ambivalent
Scenes of non-consensual activity on TV turn me on…and make me feel guilty. Am I a bad person?
The Fella and I have been binge-watching ‘Sons of Anarchy’ lately. I’m enjoying it very much, the plot twists are clever and the characters are complex. It’s violent and pretty fucking harsh in places, and that’s what triggered this blog post.
Without going into detail that might reveal spoilers, there are some scenes of nonconsensual sexual activity, quite graphically depicted. Gratuitously, one might say, considering that this is fiction and not documentary; what is the necessity to portray for entertainment the awful things that people might do to each other? Perhaps it’s for titillation – and this is where the title of this post comes in for me.
All the feels
I know lots of stuff. On some specific (niche and uninteresting-to-most) topics, I know loads. I’ve learned a lot about myself too over the last few years; my character, my sexuality, my triggers and vulnerabilities, blind spots and biases. Sometimes this all gets in the way, meaning that I fall back on the knowledge I have already collated. rather than learning and adapting. There’s a small window of learning opportunity between fear and arrogance; sometimes I sidle through that window, other times I get stuck and flail about until I panic or get angry and fearful and sad. When that happens, Things I Know get filtered through Things I Feel and a vicious circle can develop.