Heart of the matter

Thoughts and pictures of lockdown chubbiness

Content note: body issues, fatphobia

So, like many people this year, I have spent lockdown sitting around eating snacks rather than getting off my arse and doing any kind of self-improvement. The lure of having unlimited skiving time was just too strong and without external motivation, I kinda turned into a sofa slug. Of course, the result has been that I’ve put on a load of weight. I was plump – approaching chubby before; now I’m definitely getting fat.

No matter how hard I suck my tummy in, I still have rolls – plural. My thighs look like a moonscape rendered in cellulite. My bum has lost its beautiful curve and turned lumpy with flab. I dislike my body right now – but apparently still not enough to either exercise or eat salad. Sigh. At least my boobs are still magnificent.

I love my mother dearly, but she’s a fatphobic extremist and has passed on a lot of that to me over the years. I can’t quite decide which is more hard work; therapy or exercise, but I’m going to have to do something because right now I don’t love my body – I’m ashamed of it. I know this is unhealthy, I know my lifestyle is unhealthy, I know all the psychological and physical reasons why I’m averse to exercise or a balanced diet. All I need is to translate knowing into doing.

If only it were as simple as that!

I spent an afternoon taking nudes and was disappointed at how many of them made me feel bad about my body rather than happy. I twisted and turned and stretched but it wasn’t until I accidentally made a heart shape with my curves that I remembered the real reason for taking nudes – not so that other people would look at me and think ‘phwoar’ but so I could look at myself and feel good about what I see. I changed tack and took some curve-positive snaps, which rescued my mood considerably.

Colour nude, 3/4 length and view

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11 thoughts on “Heart of the matter

  1. You are beautiful, very much so. I understand your struggles. My mum is also extremely fatphobic. It’s hard to battle that voice, isn’t it? I hope you can find what you need to feel happy in your gorgeous body. It is gorgeous. It doesn’t need to change one bit. <3

    1. Bless you – thank you. I guess the big question is which would I benefit more from changing – my habits or my attitude? I’ll take door number three: procrastination, for the moment 😄

  2. I know this counts for nothing because it’s about how *you* feel about your body but you are so beautiful. I just wish you could see what others see.

    1. I think I’m pretty damn fine in these pictures, otherwise I wouldn’t post them publicly! I guess all the terrible ones I don’t let anyone else see (along with photos of me in general and random mirror glimpses) make me see myself more negatively than others do. Maybe.

  3. Ahh Mothers….. they have a way with words sometimes. I have very clear memories of her telling me I was ‘getting too big’ in my early 20’s. It definitely didn’t help at all. Like you I take my pictures to feel a positive connection with my body. I hate those days when nothing seems to work


  4. My mother does that and funny enough, she is a lot heavier than I am. I don’t really pay attention to her now but I did.

    What bothers me more though is she does it to my eldest who is a 15yr old rake, honestly you wouldn’t see her if she turned side ways but now, has issues with her “weight” and I am certain it’s because of my mother .

    I feel the same though… I think everyone put on weight during lockdown. I took pics the other day and I hated them all. In fact, my OH actually designed the image for ‘His Belt’ post coz I hated all attempts.


    1. Mine has always been super slender but she also has terrible tummy problems – I just don’t think she realises how awful she makes me feel when she judges other people for showing flesh if they’re not gym-perfect, because I will never be but I also don’t feel like I should have to hide my chub from the world

  5. Thank you for sharing this with us, stay safe and don’t worry about anything. Lockdown affected us all differently. Amy

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