Growth

After a bit of a writing drought, when inspiration and libido were both AWOL; I’d drafted a long post all about how miserable I’ve been this week, with my EDS flaring up and terrible PMS descending, but I’ve discarded it. I’m not in that dark place any more.

This evening, I had dinner with two very dear friends who I have known since we all worked together many years ago. We don’t get to see each other very often, but when we do, we just pick up the conversation as easily as though we had only parted company at 5pm the previous day. Talking to these friends, I realised how much I have learned about myself and grown as a person since we three last met.

As time passes, we all change and (hopefully) learn – but I don’t think I could have made anywhere near as much progress in understanding myself and the world around me if I hadn’t been a part of the sex blogging/kink community over the past couple of years.

Reading the insights and wisdom of other bloggers, their generous and compassionate contributions to the community, learning about other people’s lifestyles, fantasies and challenges has been a transformative experience for me. Writing my own reflections and erotica has helped me understand my own desires, hangups and dilemmas. I am now comfortable and in tune with my own sexuality, no matter how bizarre it may appear to anyone else. I have learned to engage on mutually-agreed terms, without shame or guilt, and have consensual, adult fun in a safe environment. I have learned to differentiate between bemusement and judgement when it comes to others’ kinks which don’t appeal to me. I might not feel for myself the pleasure that others get from watersports or ageplay, needles or – well, any kind of topping activity – but that’s fine, I don’t need to. They don’t need my endorsement anyway, they’re having their own fun, and good for them. As long as everyone involved are enthusiastically consenting adults, then hurrah, have at it.

I’ve become more keenly aware of feminist issues and the degree to which social or cultural conditioning forces people into arbitrary and unhealthy confinement of their ideas and lifestyles. The irrationality of treating freely-chosen sex work as though it were substantively different to any other kind of work has become apparent to me, and the ridiculous hypocrisy of a culture which greedily deploys sex to sell almost everything but frowns on the selling of sexual services themselves increasingly irks me.

A short while back, someone said to me that I was wise. Me?! I was disconcerted for a moment, but then I realised that what they perceived as wisdom on my part was just me reflecting to them the collective knowledge and insight of all the other people whose opinions and observations I have absorbed from this community. I’m not dispensing wisdom as much as redistributing it. Paying it forward, you might say.

Despite my recent tribulations, I am still living my best life, making friends, having as much fun as I can find time and energy for. My difficult week is over, the darkness is lifting, the kind and comforting comments from my Sex Twitter chums stand out in solid relief as the gloomy clouds roll back. Thank you for your support, lovely people, I’m proud and grateful to be part of our tribe.

And the smutwriting muse is beginning to come creeping back….watch this space….

2 thoughts on “Growth

  1. Really happy to hear you’ve been able to get a fresh perspective on your writing and feelings. Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in it all but stepping back gives you that distance to see how far you’ve come.

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