(Reposting from a piece I wrote on FetLife a while back)
My place is at the bottom in any given sexual dynamic. I do not switch. I am not any kind of Domme. That’s the bottom line for me.
I just don’t get off on wielding power. Giving orders doesn’t make me wet; receiving them does. Inflicting or threatening pain or control is tedious, asserting my will takes conscious effort, being in charge is both awkward and fatiguing. Oddly (but not uncommonly, I gather) this is very much at odds with my professional persona, in which I am the confident decision-maker and voice of authority. (It’s probably just as well that I don’t get sexual satisfaction from this, otherwise I’d probably spend all of my day wanking rather than working).
Seeing a person restrained makes me hot because I am imagining myself in their place, not because of their helpless state in relation to me as the observer. I love the feeling of wearing cuffs and rope, the impact of the paddle or the cane on my skin, of being taken and used as the vessel in which someone else’s pleasure is found. That’s what turns me on and makes me happy.
On the few occasions where I’ve taken a topping role, I’ve struggled to connect with the person bottoming because I just don’t feel like me – I’m playing a part which requires so much mental effort to sustain against my natural inclinations, that communication is impaired and as a result pleasure is diminished. What’s the point if you’re not having fun? It’s been said to me that it would be good for my own personal development to explore the other side of the D/s equation, or that I should try new experiences to learn and grow from, but sex and erotic play is not an exam study module for a degree in Life Skills, it’s something I do for fun, for physical gratification, for intimacy and shared enjoyment. I know what I like and I like what I know. Being ordered to play top, I can just about work with (although it’s not as pleasurable for me and more like effort than excitement) – I’ll do this for someone I love, whom I want to please and satisfy, if that’s what they desire; but I won’t choose it for myself because it’s not what I desire.
Why not, I wonder? Well, aside from the erotic calculus (submitting makes me feel sexy, dominating makes me feel awkward), there’s a psychological component too.
(NB, this is unique to me and my experience, I can’t and don’t speak for anyone else and I certainly don’t view topping or being dominant as being a bad or wrong thing!)
Part of me is afraid I might become a monster. That I might be callous enough not to stop, not because I enjoy others’ pain but because I fear that without the emotional connection of eroticism, my curiosity might overcome my empathy and the person bottoming would become more of a test subject than a human person.
That has never been the case in real life….but I guard against the demon that might lurk inside me. An element of this might be because I took so long to learn socialisation; how to recognise others’ feeling and figure out how to accommodate to them, and I also suspect that I feel this way because I spent a long time in a relationship with someone whose own sadistic nature, arrogance and disinterest in negotiation made them more of an abuser than a Dominant. I do not want to be that sort of person, even accidentally. I actually have nightmares about behaving badly towards people I like and love; the scariest part of those dreams is hating what I am doing or saying but being unable to stop myself. I can’t mentally separate ‘being in charge’ from ‘playing mean’ from ‘being mean’ when it’s me doing it, and it makes me uncomfortable.
So that’s why I don’t top and I can’t Domme, being in that position is just not sexy or fun for me. Fortunately, there are great people out there who are wired differently, who enjoy and excel at topping or being Dom/mes – hurrah and thank goodness for you people, I say!